Ten simple rules for dating my
I'm sure you've are enlightened about sex, and have all the latest information on diseases and methods of contraception.
You may even be using one of these methods, "just in case". Well, I'd like to offer one wee extra bit of information for your general edification - if you even THINK of touching my son in an intimate fashion, I will break every bone in your hands - no questions asked - just to helpfully remind you of my favorite method of contraception, which is this nifty "new" idea called "abstinence" until marriage...
Last year someone sent it to a list I was on, and since I don't have a daughter, and in the spirit of the thing, I wrote up the following... You may glance at him, but any glances going beneath the belt will get you an immediate expulsion from my house.
If you like it, feel free to share it, but make sure you tell the truth about who wrote it, or I'll have to come, ummmm..... If my son gathers his courage and asks you for a date, this is not an opportunity to run all your errands with my car. You will find your feet hitting the pavement faster than your gum-snapping mouth can shriek "What?? "I am aware that it is considered fashionable for girls of your age to wear their shirts with the bottom half ripped off, where any sudden movement threatens to expose yourself to any casual passerby or with necklines so low that your breasts nearly tumble out, so, please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete moronic sluts.
He is hurrying as fast as he can, and he's not only driving you, he's buying your movie ticket.
In fact, actually, not that I think about it, thanks so very much for stopping over - instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like vacuuming?
You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.
If you break his heart, I will most assuredly make you wish you'd never been born, dear.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.